THeRe'S An AnGeL On My ShOuLdEr...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

To Tattoo or not to Tattoo 

A year or so ago I considered getting a Tattoo. As yet I haven't, but with a significant birthday approaching, I'm considering it again.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Done, Dusted & Finito! 

Well, I have just completed and submitted my final assignment for my final subject for my Graduate Diploma in Criminal Intelligence. How do I feel?
  • Relieved. Because it's finally finished
  • Frustrated. Because I could have done better - under different circumstances
  • Annoyed. That I felt I HAD to obtain tertiary qualifications to combat the academic snobbery within both my profession and organisation. Also annoyed because it hasn't provided any more opportunities or other benefits than I would have otherwise had.
  • Poor. Because it cost me a f%$#ing fortune & SAPOL didn't contribute one red cent to it. As far as I am aware, they are the ONLY government department that DON'T financially contribute toward tertiary education.
  • Angry. Because it took a lot of time, money, stress, emotion and effort and I can quite honestly say I am no better an Intelligence Analyst than I was before I started it.
  • Surprised. That I was even capable of doing it & doing it well. Self-esteem & self-confidence are not my strong points at the best of times, especially at the moment.
  • Strong. Because I did it whilst dealing with several stressful situations in my life and during a period of extended illness. (more on that later)
  • Proud. Because it's a bloody great achievement. It was a hard slog & I damn well deserve the credit. & If I'm not proud of myself, nobody else will be.

Now I just have to decide whether to go on next year & do a Masters degree in Criminal Intelligence. Ponder, ponder, ponder. Stay tuned.....

The last year or so have been extremely stressful. That's not to say that there hasn't also been good times, there have been. Many of them. But the last 6 months have been particularly peppered with disasters and other stressful people and situations. The straw that broke the camels back was having my car stolen & torched just before Easter. That led to all sorts of other dramas & headaches & being the natural worrier that I am, I promptly developed what is known as Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). A fellow blogger the other day mentioned that she had experienced her first Panic Attack. I sympathise. They are vile things that you feel you won't survive. OK, GAD is a panic attack that generally lasts 24/7. Generaly a little milder than a full-on panic attack, but it takes an awful lot to try & deal with constantly feeling like you are going to have a heart attack, explode, vomit, scream, run away and hide. It has been a nightmare. I am gradually improving, but it is taking a lot longer than I would like. I'm still not sure that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't actually a train coming the other way. The hard part is trying to convince myself it's not. I need to re-train my thinking. I have to train myself to leave the past in the past. I'm getting better at that, but sometimes things crop up that cause minor setbacks. Some people just won't let go. Probably the most frightening thing is that I now have a much stronger understanding of why some people commit suicide. Sometimes it feels like the only escape. The only solution. Having said that, it's not something I'd do. So don't panic.

On another downer, my brother separated from his wife this week. Although it was anticipated, it still caught me off-guard. I've found myself on a couple of occasions this week sitting at my desk when all of a sudden I have to dash off lest I drown my keyboard. I'm frustrated that because of the GAD, I don't feel strong enough to give my Brother the support he so deperately needs. But i will give him what I can. I just feel an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Well, I'm off home to spend some time with some of the people (& felines) I love dearly. They are the important things in my life.

Take Care





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