THeRe'S An AnGeL On My ShOuLdEr...
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Why is it that every time I have annual leave, I get sick? Yep, got a cold in da doze & feel like utter crap!! I'd rather stay in bed, but I have to go to work. Grrrr. Happened last August too. I was really quite sick then. Fortunately I had a mate staying with me for some of it & he fussed over me with cups of hot tea in bed & lavished me with Balfours pasties with sauce. He's from Canberra where they don't have such delicacies. It was lovely to be fussed over for a change, to be looked after, to be allowed to be a little helpless. To be allowed to be a girl. It was lovely to have someone else around and I find I am missing it. Like Pookie, I'm capable of handling almost anything. It's just nice not to have to all the time.
I had to do it throughout my marriage. I was the handyman of the household & most of the tools were mine. I knew how to use them. As my Father was a Trade Teacher, I spent most of my holidays with him, out in the shed, at the local harware stores and in the timberyards. It was fun. & it was useful. Ask me to make you a coffee table & I wouldn't flinch. Ask me to make you a pavlova & I'll break into a sweat! I'm sure I could though, probably after several attempts, after all, I make a pretty mean toblerone mousse. Must do that again soon.
Time to go get through this one last day.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Everywhere I look, there are posts about losing ones direction, losing faith in ourselves and even losing our sanity. If we're all lost, how the hell can we help each other?
I am currently at the lowest point that I can remember for quite a long time. My self-esteem is now almost non-existant. It has taken about 12 months for this to happen. Gradually, it was eroded away. I didn't even realise it was happening. I didn't realise how it was happening. Nor did I realise why it was happening. Until it was too late. I didn't have a hope. I didn't stand a chance. I feel like a failure, but I now know that there was never any chance I would ever succeed. Self-fulfilling prophecy is a very powerful phenomenon. Who am I to fight it?
Sunday, March 28, 2004
That's what it was like today at the Seymour College Gigantic Garage Sale. I try and go most years. It's one of the few times you can actually entice me to get up at some ungodly hour on a weekend. Just love a bargain. I did however restrain myself on this occasion, mainly because I still haven't done anything with my purchases from last year! I bought another couple of white jugs for my ever increasing collection. OK, OK, I know I don't NEED them, but they were cheap & unusual. I also picked up a rectangular bevelled mirror that I will do something with.....one day.
I start annual leave on Thursday. I can't wait. It's going to be a horrible week, albeit short, given that it is Natalie's last. The office will be so full of angst. I really don't need any more - I can provide enough of that on my own at the moment. We still have half our staff missing & I also have to make sure others can produce my weekly report while I'm gone. Although it's annual leave, it won't be a holiday. I have a large assignment to do that I have been leaving until the last minute, as I am wont to do. It will be done.
Blog bitching seems to be popular at the moment, as in, what annoys you about blogs you read? Well, I really don't like boring blogs like mine, but then I don't have to read it. I just write it. Reading it is your problem. *smirk* Seriously, there are a few things that bug me, but they are not restricted to blogs. The misuse of words is one. I notice the use of the word 'being' instead of 'been' a lot at work & have seen it once or twice in blogs. Also the use of the word 'of' instead of 'have', as in 'should of been'. Grammar moreso than spelling bothers me, though I make no claims to be perfect myself. Overuse of Lyric quoting also pisses me off, but I do that myself too, so I can't complain too much. I do enjoy reading all the different writing styles & varied subject matter & different perspectives.
What you think
What you feel
What you imagine
Now, if I could just get a handle on this, I'd be set for life!!
Saturday, March 27, 2004
Why is it that when you toss away old clothes, you somehow keep all the crap & get rid of the stuff you want again three years later? I'm going through a heap of gear to flog off on EBay to help pay for all the new stuff I have on lay-buy. For some bizarre reason, I've kept the '80's long denim Jacket & ditched my favourite long, gothicy black dress which, of course, would now fit me again. Grrrrrrrrrr. After all, I kept my favourite purple brocade jacket. I'm an idiot!
Actually, no I'm not. My therapist has told me I have to practice NOT thinking negative thoughts, about myself in particular. I'm practicing, but it's not going to happen overnight. I realise now that it's something I have done for as long as I can remember. Even in my childhood. I've always thought 'I'm not funny enough' or 'I'm not intelligent enough' or 'not attractive enough'. Compared to what? Compared to who? Bloody stupid really isn't it? So, I'm practicing. Old habits die hard, but I plan to get the better of this one before it gets the better of me.
I want to change the font on my blog, but have not a clue how to do it. Any suggestions?
Friday, March 26, 2004
I feel the need to be creative. I haven't made anything in quite a while, though I did do a bit of restoration paintwork on a unique piece picked up by a mate of mine. I don't think he really believed i could do it, but I'm full of surprises it seems. I just have a couple of touch ups to do on it & it will be as good as new. I have an almost completed project which I really should finish, even though I have doubts it will ever be displayed. But, you just never know do you? Stranger things have happened. It would make me happy if it was. I hate leaving things unfinished. I need the closure. I also intend to make a clock, decoupaged with clocks. It will then be a clock clock... LOL
I used to love decorating on a budget. I'd come up with all sorts of weird & wonderful ways of creating dramatic effects etc....on stuff all & nothing! In the house I built with my ex, I dressed the windows in my Kitchen, Family Room, Toilet & main Bathroom with $20 worth of white fabric. I created various different looks with the help of pins, rubber bands & scraps of lovely fabric etc... The Austrian blinds in the Lounge, Dining Room & Master Bedroom were made with $4 per metre deep burgundy shot dressmaking tafetta. I know you're now all thinking Ugh!! how revolting!! But they looked spectacular and only cost a couple of hundered dollars. The piece de resistance were the padded pelmets I made. Actually, they were Lambrequins. What's the difference? Lambrequins generally are taller and also tend to cover the sides of the window, either partially or fully. Many period lambrequins were made of timber & painted Trompe Loeil style to resemble fancy side drapes. Anyhoo, these things were constructed of sheets of polystyrene with craft wadding & fabric over the top which was secured at the back with pins. Who sees the back anyway? I made five of them for about $250, less than the cost of having one of them made professionally.
Today Dida was talking about the possibility of getting another tattoo or piercing. I have been planning to get a tattoo myself for quite a while now, but haven't had the funds. I've always known what it would be. It couldn't be anything else. I think it is time to get my butt into gear save the shackles to have it done. It might make me feel better & provide me with some direction. How? The brain is a funny thing and works in very mysterious ways.
I feel the need to kick back & cut loose with some Vodka and Billy Idol....
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Did anyone happen to read this article in the Advertiser last week? This is one of the very few occasions when what is reported in the media is actually accurate. I nodded vigorously and muttered several 'Ahuh's' (sic?) as I read it. As much as I LOVE my job, there is alot of progress to be made with respect to civillian staff in the Police Dept. Having worked in another Govt Dept. previously, I am astounded at what the Dept. has been able to get away with for so long. It's criminal really. Ironic. Most, if not all positions are underclassified when compared to equivalent positions throughout the Public Sector & the benefits generally available to other Dept's, like financial contribution toward relevant tertiary education, do not apply, yet there is still an expectation that the study be undertaken. Indeed, one of the reasons I undertook tertiary education was to combat the academic snobbery I frequently encounter within my field. When I joined the Dept. in 1999, myself and my peers were assured that the Dept. would develop a career structure within the field in the near future. Nearly five years on, we, those that have remained that is, are still waiting.
The budget issues that have also been subject to attention from the media are also having a significant impact. My friend and colleague 'The Natster' was informed that her contract would not be renewed. It runs out next Friday. She has worked with us for 18 months & yes, there is more than enough work to keep her occupied. Never mind that she has a mortgage & just bought a new car after having been told her contract would be extended. Her departure may well be a blessing in disguise for her, because she is certainly more valuable than the Dept. is ever likely to give her credit for.
On a lighter note....
What is the definition of embarassment?
Standing at the counter of a cafe I attended this morning with my work colleagues for an impromptu informal 'meeting' and upon removing my purse from my bag, also took out the black lacy bra I had stuffed in there earlier and had forgotten to remove!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! ....and from the looks on the faces on my colleagues, I doubt any explanation would have been plausible.
Tell me folks, do you prefer to make love with the light on or off?
This one's just for the girls
You have a beautiful soul! These are rare and very
special. One who has a beautiful soul had
beauty inside and out, and are always very
kind. You may be the one who always applies
make-up to look better and achieve certain
standards, but you look just as gorgeous
without makeup. You take pride in yourself
because you know that you are worth better.
Sometimes you preen in front of the mirror for
hours, but youre never too busy to help
someone. Everyone loves you and you love them
back, with a lot of friends, and popularity.
But you didnt get it because of your
clothes-you got it because there seems to be a
radiance around you, a sort of glow, that
attracts people to do better and be better.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
The Blog meet-up that is. On account of the fact that I didn't know it was on. Thanks for reminding me guys :-) next time. Promise.
Is this Prostitution, or just entrepreneurial? In a way, I kinda wish I'd thought of it myself, but I doubt anyone would believe I still had my virginity to offer. Unfortunately that decision was taken out of my hands on my 17th birthday. Anyway, good luck to her. I wonder how many more we will see like this?
I'm thinking of getting a medal engraved for the ever persistent *AW*. STILL he tries...& things could get a bit uncomfortable because I have to spend half the day with him (& others) today.
Apparently I have to make a decision. I'm not really sure why I have to make a decision, I would have thought that my stance was clear & that someone else had to make a decision. I'm confused once again. Or is that still?
Monday, March 22, 2004
I was chatting to my mate Paul who seems to think there needs to be a day between Sunday and Monday. A day to do all of the things you didn't get to do on the weekend or to rest or stay in bed etc... Wouldn't it be nice? & I wouldn't therefore feel guilty for not doing the things I really NEEDED to do, like study.
Paul also took me for a spin in his new pride & joy, a shiny silver Merc. Although not my cup of tea, prefering something more sporty, I was rather impressed. I should get it around to do my housework, it does practiacally everything else!
A jolly good time was had by all on Friday night at the Colonist Tavern. I'd never been there before. I don't know that I would make it my regular, but it was more than adequate & much joviallity was enjoyed, particualrly during the various attempts at playing pool and maintaining some semblance of credibility. Hence, I chose not to tell anyone that my Grandfather used to own the pool hall in Renmark & my Father was not lacking in the skill department . Unfortunately, that skill did not neccessarily transfer to me. Well, not consistently anyway and my skill largely depends on the quantity of alcohol consumed. Getting back to the Pool Hall though, my Grandfather had one esteemed guest being the famous Billiards player, Walter Lindrum. He's no longer with us, but left his mark with his distinctive tombstone.
Friday, March 19, 2004
I'm afraid my cat, Merlin, is a serial killer. I don't mind him getting the mice & rats. It's the birds that piss me off. He brought me in a bird this morning just before I left for work. Gee, thanks Merlin!! Spent 10 minutes chasing the poor thing around the house. Feathers EVERYWHERE!! & I had to fight off both Merlin & Jet to save the poor bugger, which I eventually did. I hope the little birdie survives.
Merlin is unlike any cat I have had, male or female. I am used to very affectionate cats. Not Merlin. He's a funny bugger. He used to be more affectionate before Mandrake disappeared. I don't know why he changed. He sometimes want's cuddles, but when you do - it's a bit like cuddling a dining chair. All stiff & uncomfortable. Also, he doesn't smooch me like all of my other cats have. Instead, he 'offers' his cheek for a kiss. Cute. But he's aloof & a total enigma. But he's gorgeous & handsome & I love him to bits.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
OK...for anyone interested, I'll be at the Colonist Tavern at Norwood Friday night at around 8 to celebrate the end of a chapter and a new begining. Everyone is Welcome.
Anyway...now for a collection of random crap.
The Little Things Part 2
Being partially snuggled up under a warm quilt, feeling the cool breeze from the open window caressing my naked flesh. It felt utterly delicious.
The Perfect Gift
Well, that was the dilemma. It's my Dad's birthday on Sunday. I had no idea what to get him. He gave no suggestions other than 'socks'. Oh please! I'm NOT buying him socks! I was running purely on inspiration when I spied on a shelf a hand made ceramic gheko. Sounds revolting I know, but let me assure you I have a fairly sensitive 'kitsch meter'. His colouring is lovely in shades of smoky blue & the most gorgeous expression. It is the type of thing that will bring a smile to your face when you spy it out of the corner of your eye. I hope he will like it as much as I.
Guilty Your Honour
Last week I was charged with committing offences against The Bun Act 2003. What the hell is The Bun Act, 2003 I hear you ask? It is legislation that ensures compliance with the natural laws against stupidity. When i commit offences against The Act, I generally make sure I do it properly! Like last week. I had a meeting to attend & took the company car. When I got in the car, I turned on the handset (police), but accidently dropped & fumbled with it. It appears that when I was fumbling with it, I pressed the Orange button. Oh No! Not the Orange button!!!! What does this little orange button do? Well, it is basically a distress beacon!!!! It completely freezes all other radio communication & opens the channels so that everyone can hear what is happening in the vicinity of that handset, should I be being murdered or something!! Yep, that's right, everyone could hear everything that was happening inside the car!! It's a bloody good thing I don't sing in the car, let me tell you!!! Anyway, as penance, I provided cakes of high quality for our Wednesday meeting.
I think that's enough crap for now, but before I go, name a male that both Females AND males admire?
Monday, March 15, 2004
Time to kick back folks!! I've decided to celebrate my new-found singledom & have a bit of a piss-up on Friday night. But where to have it? A pub with a nice atmosphere, good music, even perhaps a pool table and or even some Karaoke. No, don't be silly, not for moi! I'm not sure I could get THAT drunk! Anyway, I seek your suggestions and it goes without saying that you are all invited. Once I figure out where to go...
Would you believe I just slept for 14 hours!!!!!!! I think I must have needed it. This throat infection/tonsillitis thing has knocked me about a bit. I need to eat more fruit & veg like Bananas perhaps?
Had another bizarre dream. Not horrible this time, which is a welcome change. It was really only weird in that it seemed to go on and on and on....& was in a great deal of detail. I was looking for, and found, a kitten that had been lost. It was a ginger kitten, so it wasn't Mandrake. Maybe it was an indication that I should go looking for the missing Mandrake again.
I'm thinking of moving again. I think I'm turning into my Grandma. My Dad moved 14 times as a kid. It's just that the garden is just TOOOOOOO big here & I can't manage it, even with 'Jims' help. Also, it's apparently haunted. Whatever. Either way, I'm restless & it's not conducive to me being 'ME'. I'd really like to live in a two bedroom cottage. With a little picket fence & a little garden with roses & delphiniums & hollyhocks. A white kitchen and timber floors. An entertaining area with a spa. One that works, as opposed to the one that doesn't that I have at the moment. Dream on.......
In anticipation for winter, I tried some long black boots on the other day. I can see this is going to be another drama of not being able to get what I want. Unlike many women, I don't have 'well developed' (as opposed to big) calves. So more often than not it ends up looking like a couple of broomsticks in wellies. Not a good look. I really need lace-up ones to be able to bring them in a bit, but of course all of the lace-up ones I have found have chunky heels & platforms. I want elegant stiletto's thanks. I found these online and rather like them, but they are only available from the US & I'm not sure they come large enough for me. Small calves, BIG feet. If you come across any, let me know? I need some to go with my new long leather jacket.
Why do we all have to play games? Why can't we just say what we mean & mean what we say? Would that actually be harder than the alternative? I doubt it somehow. As they say, if you can't beat them, join them. However, I doubt I can do that either. A promise is a promise & I hate being just like everyone else, which is what I would become. I'm such a stubborn bitch!!! Arrrggggghhhhh!!!
I'm in need of another cup of HOT tea, amongst other things.....
Ciao for now
Sunday, March 14, 2004
And still he tries...........
What part of 'NO' doesn't he understand? Even though in my current mood, I could possibly have been tempted, the answer is still NO!!!
Friday, March 12, 2004
I just love the smell of freshly mown grass, don't you? My 'Jim' came this morning. A lovely guy & kinda cute, but married. As such, I therefore couldn't give a rats that he only ever sees me fresh from the shower looking like something the cat dragged in.
It's a pity it's overcast. A mate and colleague of mine is getting married today. At least it's not windy and/or wet. He's one of my Guardian Angels & I hope everything goes well for them.
Today is my 20th anniversary of starting work in the Govt. Makes me feel OLD!!! Ah well, more Long Service Leave I guess.
I'm pissed off! The CD player in my car died on the way to work. I think it took 'Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill me' literally & just curled up its toes mid-song! Damn, and of course I can't afford a new one at the moment. I will replace it eventually and in a way it is a blessing because the thing annoyed me anyway as it would always re-start at the beginning of the track. There are heaps of songs that I haven't heard the ends of in months unless I drive around the block until they finish.
Off to go put a leather jacket on lay-by. Just have to decide whether to get the Short, medium or long one. Hmmmm.....
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Had this emailed to me this morning. At first I felt all warm & fuzzy, then the cynic in me kicked in.
Anyway, I thought I'd post it for your enjoyment/amusement.
15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
What about one of these?
"Smooth and dark, you are potent and bitchy yet seductive and irresistible"Congratulations! You're a Black Velvet!
What Drink Are You?
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The name sounds delicious & oh so 'me' but when I discovered the ingredients decided it would probably remain on my 'yet to try' list. I think I'd rather be a Screaming Orgasm like Goldie
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Well folks, after much stuffing around & various balls-ups by my now ex-Husband and his best mate, am FINALLY DIVORCED!!! Yay for Me!!!! If I could do handstands, I would.
How do I really feel though? That's an interesting question, because I actually feel a little sad. Something I didn't expect really. It would have been our 17th Wedding Aniversary this Sunday on the 14th. It was a perfect day all those years ago. 17 long years. What a waste. I have little to show for it, and two years on from originally separating, I feel I am still in no-mans-land. Restless & Frustrated.
Time to take the bull by the horns......
Hopefully everything should proceed smoothly. Now. But I'm attending the court just to make sure. After all, he only got all the proof of service paperwork FINALLY signed YESTERDAY!!!!!!
Wish me luck
Monday, March 08, 2004
You're Spike Spiegel. Laid back and moody at
times. You think a lot about the past and wish
for closure. When there is work to be done,
you do it. You run strickly on instincts and
!-Which Cowboy Bebop Character are you?-!
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Friday, March 05, 2004
It would be nice not to think for a while. Particularly at the moment. My head is full of 'white noise'. I kinda understand why some turn to drugs to get some peace in the midst of all of the chaos. It's tempting, I admit, but not something I want to get into. It is only an illusion, and a temporary one at that. I see so many lives destroyed through the taking of drugs, and very few dig their way out of the abyss they ultimately fall into.
I know, as they say, that life wasn't meant to be easy, but I'm not sure it's supposed to be this hard either. Or is it? I am beginning to think that for some, I cause more pain than pleasure. As there are those that do so to me. It is not a situation I am at all happy with. It is foreign to me. I do not even recognise myself sometimes. Who I have become. I am not equiped to deal with the situations that I, ultimately, have created.
I am torn. I am in pain. I am afraid.
However, I am optimistic.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Well, according to my dream last night, a 'Ferrin' is a rather cute looking ferret-like critter. These are smaller than a ferret with a very small head. They have long, pale coffee coloured fur & are incredibly cute!!! Why the hell these fictional critters were in my dream, I don't know. I was in a big old, empty, and rather grotty house which was full of these things, as well as four kittens. As the dream went on, the house began to fill with murky water. The kittens began to drown, but the ferrin's were fine as they could swim. Bizarre.
I'm looking out of my window at work & note that the conditions are almost a replica of those that existed on Ash Wednesday. I remember it clearly, it was my Mum's birthday
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Sometimes I feel like I've created a monster, and that monster is me.
Monday, March 01, 2004
I'm bored. So I checked out that link I gave you in my last post & came across this article on Self-Destruction. The author found it all amusing, but reading it, and recognising much of it, made me cry. Damn.
I'm speaking english, aren't I? You can all understand me, can't you? Yep, that's what I thought. I didn't thik I was speaking Zwahili. Then why the hell is it so hard for *A* to comprehend that little two-letter word 'NO'???? Again he wants to know if I've changed my mind. I suppose I should be flattered, and to a degree I am, but I can do a hell of a lot better than being somebody's Mistress.
I want to lodge a protest! Why aren't women allowed to go to Bucks Shows???? It's not fair! A mate of mine had his on the weekend & it sounded like fun, from the very little I was told. They were all too embarassed to tell me any details. They blushed and got all bashful on me. Damn. So I'm still none the wiser really as to what a XXX stripper does, except apparently have very well developed Kegel's
Just watching the Oscars, well....the never-ending introduction actually. It is really comforting to know that in spite of endless supplies of money & miracle workers and the best designers in the world, lots of women still have no idea what is flattering on them. Do they not have mirrors?
Tim Robbins (whom my mate Danny eerily resembles) just won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Mystic River. A brilliant film. He is very deserving. His acceptance speech was also excellent, making reference to his role in the movie as an abused child, highlighting that victims of such abuse should not feel ashamed to report it, seek help and counselling and that to do so is one of the most powerful things they can do. I agree.
What a horrible weekend it was. Two senseless murders. Words fail me really as to how people can cold-bloodedly kill others. I am left shaking my head. It chills me to think about it.
Off to watch more mind-numbing drivel....
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