THeRe'S An AnGeL On My ShOuLdEr...

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it 

It's been a bit of a strange weekend. I have been haunted by the sentencing remarks of a case I came across on Friday. I considered posting a link to it, as it is publicly available, but it's not something I can recommend reading. It dealt with the long-term sexual abuse of a girl. Sex offences are my 'area of interest' with respect to work. It's an area that needs a lot of attention. It's something I sometimes find hard to deal with in my personal life, as I have a very healthy sexual appetite, but I occasionaly find myself feeling overwhelmingly guilty for that. As a result, I have felt somewhat disconnected from everything and everyone and I've been fighting demons at every corner. Snippets of the remarks came to me in my dreams and resulted in some troubled sleep. Not just concerning that case, but i found myself dwelling on things that obviously aren't sitting well with me. Like being hated by someone who doesn't even know me. It's not something I have had to deal with often in my life. Generally, people either like me, or they are indifferent. Indifference I can deal with. I only know of a couple that have actually hated or actively disliked me. What pisses me off though, is that in both cases, they didn't even know me. Had no idea what type of person I was. Nor were they prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt. It's easy to say 'their loss', but it bothers me. I can't help that really, though I try.

Unfortunately, like others, I couldn't get to Dida's re-housewarming bash. It is my Sisters' birthday tomorrow so the family had a birthday dinner for her on Saturday night. I felt strangely out of place and as if something was missing and as a result, left earlier than I normally would have. Didn't even have alcohol. That should give an indication of what kind of state I was in.

I know I've been neglecting my health of late. My body keeps trying to 'shut down' at around 2pm every day when it has had enough of figting the fatigue and aching bones and joints. My memory, both short and long-term, are also shot to bits at the moment, something I find eternally frustrating. It did this after I had Viral Meningitis in 1990/91. It took months to get over it. I hope I'm not in for a repeat performance, I can't afford to be too fragile at the moment.

Sometimes it's nice to be held tight & told that everything's going to be alright. Sometimes I need that more than anything in the world.

Time to go feed the lions & give them long-overdue cuddles after another weekend of absence.




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